Quote of the Day

“Even though there are a lot of other

Important issues in the world

I refuse to let another day pass in which

I demean or shadow the things

Directly related to me

’cause there’s nobody else who’ll do it”  — Clint Catalyst, Cottonmouth Kisses

Tiny Steps

I very much so do not feel like doing this. My Executive Function Disorder (which may just be a symptom of my Autism Spectrum Disorder, or its own separate thing) is kicking my butt. I don’t want to be writing now (even though it’s CampNaNoWriMo, even though I’m taking part in a writing challenge to write at least a certain number of days this year, even though I have a personal word count goal I’m trying to meet this year, even though I often love to write, even though I identify myself as a writer before anything else — and it’s one of the few aspects of my identity I am almost always sure of, and even though I strongly feel I have a religious obligation to my Gods and Holy Powers to write) or doing anything else productive, really. But I had a dream a couple of nights ago that seemed like a not so subtle hint/ maybe warning, and I have felt profoundly guilty because I know there are things I feel like I should be doing and sometimes that O/others think I should be doing, but I haven’t been. And I’m ashamed and embarrassed and dismayed by it, as well as overwhelmed.

But even though I feel like I should be doing so much more, maybe a blog post explaining that I feel like I can’t do so much more is something helpful. It’s a start, anyway, and I think it’s moving in the right direction.

I get so overwhelmed, so easily. I often can’t put tasks in their proper order. I often don’t even know where or how to begin. I have trouble prioritizing tasks. I often have trouble starting tasks, and sometimes I have trouble finishing them.

It’s not only my executive function disorder that causes problems. This is compounded by so many other things — which is not to say executive function disorder is easy to have, or any picnic on it’s own, because it’s not. My Autism spectrum disorder makes things difficult all on it’s own, though right now I think that’s the least of my problems. But it does come with executive function disorder as a part of it. It also generally makes it difficult for me to process things. It also means I get overstimulated easily.  I just now sighed to myself because it occurred to me that people who don’t know what a lot of these things are — like executive function disorder and overstimulation — are going to have no idea what I’m talking about, and some of them will almost definitely just think I need to try harder. And to a certain extent, I do need to try harder, but that isn’t always possible. I also feel bad because I know it’s hard to parse what people are saying when they use a lot of unfamiliar terminology. And because if I don’t explain, it won’t help with either people who are unfamiliar with the concepts understanding what I’m saying, nor with helping to tear down that dangerous and harmful “try harder” concept that society loves to throw onto people who are often not capable of it. But I just don’t have it in me to explain right now. I’d have to stop every sentence or even every few words. And while it’s getting easier to write as I continue to, for the most part, I just don’t have it in me to come up with definitions or metaphors right now. It’s hard enough just to write this. So if you are unfamiliar with words, phrases, or concepts that I’m using, search engines are your friends. And please bear in mind that while some words do mean exactly what they sound like, like “overstimulated,” for example, they can take on a whole depth of meaning, or sometimes separate meaning within a specific context — such as Autism.

Anyway, back to where I was. I have lots of mental health and other health illnesses and issues, among other things, and they can all compound each other. For instance, my executive dysfunction is made much more difficult because I have several chronic illness, and one in particular causes me a great deal of exhaustion all the time. It also affects my memory, my focus and concentration, my strength, and my endurance. It causes chronic pain, probably along with another as of now currently undiagnosed chronic illness. So if I even get past the executive dysfunction temporarily, I am easily exhausted and not able to apply sufficient amounts of brain or body power to whatever I need do. And it makes it that much harder to start in the first place.

On top of that, I have extreme generalized anxiety, worse social anxiety, and, in the last two or three years, I’ve developed agoraphobia, the latter of which is something I never had to contend with before. My Autism makes social cues hard to read, and stacks with the social anxiety. The Autism and the chronic illness both make social interactions hard to follow and concentrate on, and the illness makes both them and traveling hard. I cover my head for a combination of religious and modesty reasons and at home I frequently wear pajamas for comfort, warmth, and because I need to lie down a lot. So  most of the time that something I have to do involves talking to people or leaving the house I feel like I need to overcome insurmountable odds before even factoring in executive function disorder. Then I also have to cover my head and usually change my clothes.

I don’t drive, so I almost always travel by bus. I occasionally walk places or get rides from people I know. But I know few people with cars and most of them don’t live near me, and I can’t usually walk far due to fatigue, muscle weakness, and chronic pain.

Even now, there is so much more I want to say on the subject, but an amalgam of things are making it hard for me to push past everything and keep writing. As it is, this has already taken me writing over the course of three spread out days to get this far, and I’m afraid it’s too long as it is. And I’m afraid that if I don’t publish it soon, I won’t ever — so I’m going to publish it as it stands.